The Danger of Sugar Coating
How often do you see something and want to unsee it? Denial is nice, sometimes an important defense. When denial is used too often we trip into what is known as sugar coating, or lying to ourselves. In lying to ourselves we can do this awful thing of choosing connection over protection. We do it if we have mean family members, the daydream they will be kind one day is a daydream that can put yourself in danger of wasting your time trying to change people who are simply mean, sometimes ruthless.
Protect yourself. As painful as it is to know something about someone, what is more painful is to continue to nose dive into wasting your time, giving to people who can not give back. You only have so many moments of time, do not waste them chasing a delusion. And be gentle with yourself, if you need to chase the delusion accept that and then place an end date on the chasing of the pot at the end of the infamous rainbow. You are the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow. In the end, we save ourselves via friendships, community, strong partners, and meaning centered lives.
Codependency Defined. And How to Ensure You do Not Get Ensnared.
How to remain healthy in a relationship, why holding hands is so nice.
Codependency is one of those words that is completely over used.
So, this is a quick run down of what codependency is and is not and how to ensure you remain healthy within a relationship.
This list is extreme, as with everything in life, there is a spectrum. We are all on a spectrum of healthy and unhealthy. You may see yourself in a few of these examples, or in all of them or in none of them.
Codependent relationships are what we call in the shrink world Closed Systems, and Love Relationships are Open Systems.
Below is a list, which is Written as a Chart by Melody Beattie from her classic book Codependent No More
In a Love Relationship there is room to grow, expand and desire for other to grow
In a Codependent Relationship, there is a dependence based on security and comfort, using intensity of need and infatuation as proof of Love (and this intensity etc may simply be a veil for fear, loneliness, and insecurity)
In a Love Relationship, you have separate interests., other friends, etc. You maintain other meaningful relationships.
In a CoDependent Relationship, there is Total Involvement. You may end up neglecting old friendships or interests, in extreme cases even careers.
In a Love Relationship there is security of the other’s expansion, security in your own self worth.
In a CoDependent Relationship, there is a preoccupation with other’s behavior, you are dependent on other’s approval for self identity and worth.
In a Love Relationship, there is trust, openness.
In a CoDependent relationship, there is jealousy.
In a Love Relationship, mutual integrity is preserved.
In a CoDependent relationship, one’s partner’s needs are suspended for the other’s- Self Deprivation defines a CoDependent Relationship.
In a Love Relationship, there is willingness to risk and be real.
In a CoDependent relationship, there is a search for perfect invulnerability.
In a Love Relationship, there is room for exploration of feelings in and out of the relationship.
In a CoDependent Relationship, there needs to be reassurance thru repeated ritualized activity.
In a Love Relationship, there is an ability to be alone
In a CoDependent Relationship, there is a withdrawal after separating.
In a Love Relationship, you can accept break up without feeling a loss of own adequacy or self worth.
In a CoDependent Relationship, a break up causes feelings of worthlessness and the break up tends to be one-sided.
When all is said and done, in a Codependent relationship: we take responsibility for another’s actions, decisions, growth and regression, and we absolve ourselves of our own responsibility to get our sh#t together and we tend to blame our partner, or family member, or friend (whomever you are in the codependent relationship with) for life’s set backs, our own failures etc.
How to remain healthy in a relationship, to put it succinctly, be your best friend, (part of that is counter intuitive and means taking care of who you are responsible for, what etc…) be your own advocate, your own cheerleader, and build community. And know what you feel when you are feeling it and why for at least 60-70 per cent of the time. Easier- this is so much easier said than done. Many times, therapy can help with this third part especially.
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-GlassAnd holding hands is nice, because it is So Nice to be Held. It is a safety measure, human nature. It begins at a young age, when we cross the street.
If you like your life 70 per cent of the time, you won.
Via media and social media we are stumbling upon unrealistic narratives that life is supposed to be satisfying 95-100 per cent of the time. But when we aim for this, which is great to aim for, but when we miss, we can feel like failures or that something is wrong, even worse that we are wrong, that we are failures. Life is hard, when it is hard, you have not done anything wrong, it is simply hard.
Failure is part of life, it is how we grow, expand and make mistakes, course correct, and really live and when there is no room to seriously mess up, we are left in the doldrums of the mundane, the day to day monotony of looking for a good parking spot metaphorically speaking. But if we embrace failure, run towards pain (sometimes), and listen to our intuition, we can scramble to liking our lives 70 per cent of the time. That is a lot.
What made you smile today? What made your heart sink a bit? What made your heart skip a beat? What made you tired today? If you felt all these feelings, then you lived a full life today, (in my opinion.)
Waves of Emotion
Emotional waves, emotional courage to feel what we do not want to feel, to know that this emotion is temporary but important. The emotion will not destroy us, and the only way to let it go is to accept it and move thru it. We are taught this is not okay, to feel anger, sadness, even fury, it is not only okay it is important.
The validation and compassion you send to your child, your dog, your loved one, a news story, I want you to direct that to yourself, while you read this article. You are not alone. You are loved.
Emotions. What to do with all those emotions? First, every emotion has a beginning and a middle and an end but even more so:
This emotion you are experiencing right now is providing you with important information.
And those hard emotions, the not so pretty feeling overwhelmed want to scream with exhaustion that emotion is important too.
Experiencing a wave of sadness or anger, or even fury, is healthy. The emotion is providing you with information. Unfortunately we all are taught these intense emotions are negative, and we bury them. But once buried we end up in a dangerous position. As these emotions help us navigate what is healthy and unhealthy, what to go towards and what to redefine.
For example, if you never felt anger, you would not know when to draw a boundary, when to speak up, when to walk away. Anger is the emotion that helps you navigate a situation, and joy also helps you navigate a situation. When we blunt emotions, we place blinders on our lives. When we embrace these emotions, we are empowered. Our work is to empower emotions, to name them, and to be curious. Within embracing them and moving thru them, you disrupt stagnation and you end up on the other side of the emotion. Moving thru anger, what does that look like, it can be literal, be angry while working out, or it could be a deep breath and allowing the anger to reside within you and watch as it passes. A wave has a beginning, middle and end. To end the emotion we ask for another emotion to come in, the opposite emotion to join with the emotion.
The most authentic experience is the mixed experience, I like these parts of this situation and not these. For example, to 100 per cent love your life 100 per cent of the time, is not authentic. Mental health and wellness is to enjoy 60-70 per cent of your life. And that can take time, therapy or some other avenue towards healing, and courage to be curious and feel.
Written by Zoe Hicks
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion," the Dalai Lama wrote in The Art of Happiness. Dalai Lama XIV
Anxiety and the Postpartum Period.
Every thought moves, thoughts are not who you are. Do not blame yourself for these thoughts. Share with your spouse or family member or close friend that you are having these thoughts and images.
Why do I keep having these thoughts? Anxiety and the Postpartum Period.
Do you experience recurring thoughts of your little baby rolling down the stairs or getting hit by a car? Or some other random violent images? These thoughts and images amongst new mothers are common, but should not be minimized or normalized. These thoughts can be overwhelming and disorienting, especially if you have never had any mental illness in your history. So what is happening? How can you handle it? What can you do?
It is important to go to a therapist if you have these thoughts, you may have postpartum anxiety.
A person’s hormonal health will affect their mental health. After giving birth, a mother is usually hit with what I call a hormonal wave. This wave can crash onto a person, causing a temporary imbalance. The beauty of this, is that it can be cured. You need to go to your Dr. and have blood work done to test whether this is a thyroid issue and then also sit with the idea of taking medicine, talk about this option with your doctor.
How to tolerate these thoughts until the medicine kicks in? Do not try to push the images and thoughts away, because then it will come back even stronger. Allow the image or thought to pass by you, and watch it like clouds passing thru the sky. It is a thought, it is a feeling, but it is not who you. You want to both hold the thought and then let it go. Consider these thoughts like waves in the ocean, sometimes there are high tides and the waves are stronger and at times they are low tides and the waves are less frequent or non existent and very small, an ebb of a thought or image so to speak.
Every thought moves, thoughts are not who you are. Do not blame yourself for these thoughts. Share with your spouse or family member or close friend that you are having these thoughts and images. Feel free to reach out to me for therapy or to lookup therapists in your area that treat obsessive thoughts, most do.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. Your thoughts and feelings are not who you are.
They are what you are experiencing in this moment. Take care of yourself as much as you possibly can, because exhaustions exacerbates them. And of course you are exhausted. You may feel hesitant to leave your child with a sitter or your spouse. Play with going down the street to a cafe and having your spouse watch your child for 20 minutes and taking a rest. Because resting while your baby sleeps is not rest, she or he can wake up at anytime. But resting down the street, while your partner plays with the baby is healthy for two reasons. 1. It gives you down time. 2. It provides an opportunity for your baby to bond with his or her other parent.
I know this advice is counter intuitive, but once you rest a bit, then you will feel less overwhelmed and you will heal quicker this way.
“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.”
Tori Amos
Loneliness, Part of the Human Condition
Loneliness happens. Does not make you a loser, it makes you human. The human condition can be quite terribly awful at times. Especially if you live in the United States. Loneliness is part of the human condition, well let’s say sadness, happiness, anger, frustration, elation, hope all these emotions are part of the human condition. To try to cut off one emotion would be synonymous to trying to cut off your arm.
Holidays can be painful. Lonely. Within our airbrushed society we tend to overlook the harrowing loneliness that can be very painful. It is okay to be lonely. Loneliness is part of the human condition. Does not mean you need to settle into it. There are ways to be less lonely, go to a public space, like grocery shopping. Read a novel. Go to a bookstore. Reach out to an old friend. All in all though, it is also part of being human. Loneliness, sadness, hopefulness, happiness, joy, frustration, humor, pain…
We can not medicate loneliness. Though we can make it worse, by assuming we will always be lonely. There are some chapters in life that will be less lonely than others. What I do recommend when loneliness comes in, is simply both accept it and not to settle. Breathe into your loneliness. Have compassion and love for yourself. Treat yourself gently. And then go to this amazing app, MoodFit, ( I do not benefit financially at all from recommending this tool) and click on tools, and go to CBT Though record. This tool will help, to simply express the loneliness and what universal distortions may be at play to exacerbate the loneliness.
If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.
Viktor Frankl, a Genius
What is Couples Therapy?
What is couples therapy? Couples therapy is holding a balance, of selflessness and selfishness. Within the work, Zoe Hicks teaches you and your partner how to rapidly increase your emotional intelligence in order to heal. We learn to balance the contradictions, how two opposite truths can occupy the same space.
What is couples therapy?
Couples therapy is a unique and wonderful way to actually change and heal and grow. When struggling with mental illness, or when struggling, period. We have to become both more selfish and more selfless in order to keep everything together. We do.
Selfishing, a new word I just made up, is the act of building boundaries.
I go to sleep at 10 p.m., I am going to selfish and get off the phone with a friend or lover or partner by 10 p.m., or I am going to selfish and make my child be in bed by 9 p.m. Selfishing is about boundaries.
Then we move into selflessness, the glorified martyr, but also essential in a selfish world.
We move from me, to we. We work to rapidly increase our emotional intelligence. This work is rooted in Gottman. My favorite book of his, is The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work. We turn towards our partner, rather than towards our phone. We turn towards our partner, rather than out the door. How often when your partner asks for you, for your attention, for your love, for your care do you respond? And in turn how often does your partner respond to your “bids” for attention, love and care? We all need to be cared for and loved and paid attention to.
Mindlessness, going in five directions at the same time, will not be beneficial for anyone, and this is our societal rough patch, right now.
Our tech heavy society with a dollop of sincere ADHD leads many people to this continual state of being. As your couples therapist, I ask you for more. Pay attention to your partner. Work opposite emotion. Do one thing at a time. Treat your partner with the kindness you treat your clients, or co-workers. She or he is the most important person in your life. Stop taking that person for granted. That person is not responsible for your happiness, you are. At the same time, you both will effect one another deeply. We work continually with the understanding that we are walking contradictions. To thrive requires this.
To heal requires accepting where you are while at the same time accepting the need for you to change.
We work in dialects, this theory is grounded in Linehan. Dialectics are when two contradictory truths coexist in the world without one overtaking the other. Acceptance and change. Selfishness and selflessness. In couples work, the primary question is what am I doing here that is hurting my partner? What am I doing here that is helping my partner? And your partner is pulled to ask the same question. While also asking yourself, what am I doing here in this life that is hurting me? What am I doing here, in this life, that is helping me?
“I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” – Anonymous
If you live in New York or New Jersey, feel free to reach out for a couples session, email me at: hello@zoerosehicks.com. Let’s connect!
The Breath for Anxiety, No this is Not about Meditation
How to breathe thru anxiety, anxiety means you care. How to care without being overwhelmed and flooding. Here are a few steps I encourage you to take.
The breathe, a place to center one self to stay in the present, to breathe. To Alleviate Anxiety:
When anxiety comes in, breathe long shallow breaths thru your nose, counting 5.5 seconds and exhaling at the 5.5 seconds.
Do not push the anxiety away. Let it be there.
Imagine the anxiety a bundle of butterflies, and have those butterflies sit next to you. Or imagine you are the driver and have the anxiety there, a companion next to you in the passenger seat.
Do not take a deep breathe thru your mouth it will just spread the anxiety.
Do not try to push the anxiety away it will simply become stronger, just allow it to be there as you take long shallow breathes thru your nose.
I highly recommend The Lost Art of Breathing by James Nestor, or this excellent Podcast episode by Max Lugavere where he interviews Nestor.
The Pronoun “We.”
The dance between security and autonomy. How to thrive within a partnership, within your career, within your life.
We live on this continuum too much security can cause depression, too much autonomy can cause anxiety.
How do we balance this within our relationships, within our careers, within our lives, especially during this sensitive time as we land a new normal. Zoom meetings, and shopping online, and then sometimes not or peering into the jaws of the debt accrued over the past few years due to the slippery slope of this pandemic. How to establish security? How to establish autonomy? Within a marriage, we need to utilize the pronoun we.
The moment a partner refuses to disclose finances, historically it is because she/he or they are hiding something. There is no security in secrets. How to provide autonomy for the partner who utilizes that need via money, reallocate a different way to ensure there is autonomy whether it is opening up the marriage, or ensuring the marriage has deliberate separate vacation days, I do not know. What I do know is that there are solutions as we discover how every person thinks and feels, there are solutions that can elevate a relationship from two I’s to a we. Initially the first step is to work opposite the emotion. Do what you do not want to do. Rather than spend on yourself, do the opposite, give that money to your partner. Do the opposite of what you would want to do to benefit your family.
“The secret Alice is to surround yourself with people who make your heart smile, it is then only then that you will find Wonderland.”
Alice in Wonderland