Codependency Defined. And How to Ensure You do Not Get Ensnared.

Codependency is one of those words that is completely over used.

So, this is a quick run down of what codependency is and is not and how to ensure you remain healthy within a relationship.

This list is extreme, as with everything in life, there is a spectrum. We are all on a spectrum of healthy and unhealthy. You may see yourself in a few of these examples, or in all of them or in none of them.

Codependent relationships are what we call in the shrink world Closed Systems, and Love Relationships are Open Systems.

Below is a list, which is Written as a Chart by Melody Beattie from her classic book Codependent No More

• In a Love Relationship there is room to grow, expand and desire for other to grow

• In a Codependent Relationship, there is a dependence based on security and comfort, using intensity of need and infatuation as proof of Love (and this intensity etc may simply be a veil for fear, loneliness, and insecurity)

• In a Love Relationship, you have separate interests., other friends, etc. You maintain other meaningful relationships.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there is Total Involvement. You may end up neglecting old friendships or interests, in extreme cases even careers.

• In a Love Relationship there is security of the other’s expansion, security in your own self worth.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there is a preoccupation with other’s behavior, you are dependent on other’s approval for self identity and worth.

• In a Love Relationship, there is trust, openness.

• In a CoDependent relationship, there is jealousy.

• In a Love Relationship, mutual integrity is preserved.

• In a CoDependent relationship, one’s partner’s needs are suspended for the other’s- Self Deprivation defines a CoDependent Relationship.

• In a Love Relationship, there is willingness to risk and be real.

• In a CoDependent relationship, there is a search for perfect invulnerability.

• In a Love Relationship, there is room for exploration of feelings in and out of the relationship.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there needs to be reassurance thru repeated ritualized activity.

• In a Love Relationship, there is an ability to be alone

• In a CoDependent Relationship, there is a withdrawal after separating.

• In a Love Relationship, you can accept break up without feeling a loss of own adequacy or self worth.

• In a CoDependent Relationship, a break up causes feelings of worthlessness and the break up tends to be one-sided.

When all is said and done, in a Codependent relationship: we take responsibility for another’s actions, decisions, growth and regression, and we absolve ourselves of our own responsibility to get our sh#t together and we tend to blame our partner, or family member, or friend (whomever you are in the codependent relationship with) for life’s set backs, our own failures etc.

How to remain healthy in a relationship, to put it succinctly, be your best friend, (part of that is counter intuitive and means taking care of who you are responsible for, what etc…) be your own advocate, your own cheerleader, and build community. And know what you feel when you are feeling it and why for at least 60-70 per cent of the time. Easier- this is so much easier said than done. Many times, therapy can help with this third part especially.

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass

And holding hands is nice, because it is So Nice to be Held. It is a safety measure, human nature. It begins at a young age, when we cross the street.