What is Couples Therapy?

What is couples therapy?

Couples therapy is a unique and wonderful way to actually change and heal and grow. When struggling with mental illness, or when struggling, period. We have to become both more selfish and more selfless in order to keep everything together. We do.

Selfishing, a new word I just made up, is the act of building boundaries.

I go to sleep at 10 p.m., I am going to selfish and get off the phone with a friend or lover or partner by 10 p.m., or I am going to selfish and make my child be in bed by 9 p.m. Selfishing is about boundaries.

Then we move into selflessness, the glorified martyr, but also essential in a selfish world.

We move from me, to we. We work to rapidly increase our emotional intelligence. This work is rooted in Gottman. My favorite book of his, is The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work. We turn towards our partner, rather than towards our phone. We turn towards our partner, rather than out the door. How often when your partner asks for you, for your attention, for your love, for your care do you respond? And in turn how often does your partner respond to your “bids” for attention, love and care? We all need to be cared for and loved and paid attention to.

Mindlessness, going in five directions at the same time, will not be beneficial for anyone, and this is our societal rough patch, right now.

Our tech heavy society with a dollop of sincere ADHD leads many people to this continual state of being. As your couples therapist, I ask you for more. Pay attention to your partner. Work opposite emotion. Do one thing at a time. Treat your partner with the kindness you treat your clients, or co-workers. She or he is the most important person in your life. Stop taking that person for granted. That person is not responsible for your happiness, you are. At the same time, you both will effect one another deeply. We work continually with the understanding that we are walking contradictions. To thrive requires this.

To heal requires accepting where you are while at the same time accepting the need for you to change.

We work in dialects, this theory is grounded in Linehan. Dialectics are when two contradictory truths coexist in the world without one overtaking the other. Acceptance and change. Selfishness and selflessness. In couples work, the primary question is what am I doing here that is hurting my partner? What am I doing here that is helping my partner? And your partner is pulled to ask the same question. While also asking yourself, what am I doing here in this life that is hurting me? What am I doing here, in this life, that is helping me?

“I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” – Anonymous

If you live in New York or New Jersey, feel free to reach out for a couples session, email me at: hello@zoerosehicks.com. Let’s connect!