What is codependency? Codependency at it’s core comes from serious emotional pain.
Codependents put a lot of responsibility on themselves to solve problems that are not theirs to solve. As codependency surfaces, to truly be codependent, one sits in the mind frame of always trying to control. It is an inter-relational stance that leaves one’s emotional landscape littered with bouts of emptiness and overwhelm.
The marker for codependency is exhaustions. How does a codependent move into un-dependency? By loving fully and wholly without trying to change another.
We care for others and love others but not at the expense of our minds, thoughts and well being.
We love kindly and fully and completely, but without trying to change others, we love by fully accepting a person as he or she is. We love by fully accepting ourselves, as we are. This does not mean we ourselves stop growing and healing, but we do so from a space of also accepting ourselves as we are.
“How did this happen to me? Why am I codependent?”
“Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims—of someone’s abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems. Something came our way, something we didn’t ask for, and it hurt us terribly. That is sad, truly sad. But an even sadder fact is that many of us codependents began to see ourselves as victims. Our painful history repeats itself. As caretakers, we allow people to victimize us, and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people. Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love.”
― Melody Beattie,
The core avenue out of a codependent life, a life of exhaustion and black holes, and muddy waters and meandering to further exhaustion is this understanding. You are not a victim, you choose your choices. And you are no longer responsible for the other’s behaviors, choice, actions and reactions, while we still love that person wholly.
You are fully responsible for your behaviors, actions, choices, and reactions, while still loving yourself wholly.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”